by
Terrill Williams
Copyright 2002 MEND Workshops LLC
For many years the demographics predicted that by the year 2000 stepfamilies would be the predominant family structure in the United States. The new millennium has come and gone and the latest census has revealed some astounding statistics. 76% of all the family units in the country are non-traditional with the majority of those families being stepfamilies. Furthermore, 70% to 80% of stepfamilies end in divorce. Only 24% of all families are two parent biological families.
This new brand of family structure is unique in many ways. A first marriage will never experience many of their pains, their problems, or their conflicts. According to Elizabeth Carter of the Family Institute of Westchester, learning to cope with second marriage issues is one of the most difficult transitions for families to negotiate . . . yet our culture offers no guidelines.? Most graduate schools of psychiatry, psychology, and social work provide no specific training in dealing with the particular dynamics of the stepfamily. Second and third marriages deal with such a unique set of situations and emotional issues that addressing them as if they were traditional marriage issues is like forcing a square peg into a round hole. It becomes impossible; these issues do not fit the first marriage pattern. And often the methods used in dealing with the nuclear family can be destructive if applied to the stepfamily.
Surviving these inherent issues can be very difficult. Identifying them can be equally as difficult. Couples will argue long and hard over the lights, or the unfairness of how one child is being treated when, in fact, the issues are not the lights or the child at all. MEND Workshops believes that second marriages contain at least seven inherent issues that must be addressed in most stepfamilies. Left alone, these issues can grow, like a cancer, eating away at the life of the home and the hope for its future.
Inherent Issue #1: Insiders and Outsiders in the family. Most stepfamilies are made up of two previously existing mini-families. Because the bond between each of the mini-families is much stronger than the bond between the new family, as they merge they also collide forming two distinct groups in the same household. In one circle are one parent and their biological children; in the other circle is the other parent with their biological children. One circle forms the insider group in the home, the other forms the outsider group in the home. Understanding this dynamic is the first step. Learning how to overcome and build a healthy blueprint that works is the second.
Inherent Issue #2: Biological ties that can sabotage the marriage The most important relationship in the stepfamily is the one between husband and wife, yet biological ties to children are so strong they often sabotage the relationship to the spouse. These issues are often veiled to the infracting parent and if left unattended may cause the other spouse to shut down and emotionally check out of the marriage.
Inherent Issue #3: The Myth of the Brady Bunch Syndrome When remarried couples believe they will become a traditional family, the issues they face are often viewed as signaling severe dysfunction rather than normal stepfamily events. This is often a fatal flaw in stepfamilies, causing one or both parties to feel the marriage is not worth the price tag it takes to keep the family together. The absolute truth is, stepfamilies will never become a traditional family.
Inherent Issue #4: Building the home with Damaged Material Every member of the stepfamily has been damaged in some way from past wounds or losses. Remarriage often exposes these hurts. A person entering a second marriage often believes they have gone through the complete healing process from their first marriage failure and or their childhood wounds. Those wounds, however, can be very tender and lie closer to the surface than anyone knew. Abandonment, jealousy, unforgiveness, betrayal, insecurity, anger, and a host of other issues often accompany those entering remarriage. Children too are vulnerable and at risk, dealing with similar pains and or losses. Addressing these issues, that are inherent, in stepfamilies is critical for it's grown toward wholeness. Building s Safe Zone for sharing these pains and the feelings that accompany them is imperative for any marriage let alone a remarriage. Few homes have such a place. The Safe Zone is where family members can go to share what they are feeling, what they are fearing, what they have lost, and what they hope to find. Sharing such honest feelings is not a safe place for many members of the family.
Inherent Issue #5: An inability to resolve conflict Most people entering second or third marriages have poor Conflict Resolution skills. If they had possessed these skills their first marriages might still be in tact. Conflict Resolution is important for any marriage but given the inherent issues that remarriages face, learning these skills is imperative. In order for the marriage dream to be realized, couples must learn how to constructively handle and deal with their issues in a safe way. Winning is not the same as resolving but the approaches so often used by step couples is to win the argument rather than resolve the argument. This can only be done in the same Safe Zone that was used to share one?s feelings and fears and losses. Again, the construction of such a place is vital to the well-being of the home.
Inherent Issue #6: Opposing discipline styles For many stepfamilies this is the #1 cause of conflict in the home and may be the #1 cause of the failure of stepfamilies. Most remarried couples have two distinct, opposing styles when it comes to parenting children. One parent will tend to be a strict disciplinarian, the other will tend to discipline with more leniency. Unlike nuclear families, when this occurs the strong biological ties can become stronger, resentments can grow larger, and the marriage can become damaged. Honoring the value of each style of discipline can be tricky especially if we have not mastered good conflict resolution skills.
Inherent Issue #7: The Ex-spouse Few remarriages can boast that their are no issues with an adversarial ex-spouse. Although not all homes experienced all out war with this person, most couple's dealings have some pain issues attached. Even those homes where an ex-spouse has dropped off the face of the earth have major damage control work that needs to be done for the children's sake. The ex-spouse can be the catalyst for major issues in the home. They can be the topic of countless dinner conversations, feel present in the home every time a visiting stepchild phones home to talk to his mom or dad, even be in the bed as couples argue over the ex-spouse right before they fall asleep.
MEND Workshops offers help and hope to couples as they address each of these inherent issues. To learn more about these topics and how stepfamilies can grow into wholeness through their relationships, order the following products:
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Building a Successful Stepfamily Home Couples Workbook
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Insiders and Outsiders in the Home (Audio Tape)
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My Spouse loves their children more than me (Audio Tape)
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This Marriage is not what I signed up for (Audio Tape)
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Dealing with the Children's pain (Audio Tape)
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Building a Safe Zone in the Marriage (Audio Tape)
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MEND the Relationship Through Mastering Conflict Resolution (Includes Couples Workbook, and 5 Audio Tapes)
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Finding the Love You Were Meant to Have (Includes Workbook, 5 Audio Tapes, and Relationship Self-Inventory)
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What has been happening in my Past Relationships (Audio Tape)
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Past Wounds that Affect my Relationships (Audio Tape)
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Non-negotiable Relational Needs (Audio Tape)
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Creating a Safe Zone for Sharing Feelings (Audio Tape)
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The Must of a Clean Slate (Audio Tape)
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He Restoreth My Soul (Audio Tape)
For more information call 1-(888) 872-1293
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