Mend Workshops - Resource for stepfamilies, single parents, marriages in conflict

My husband and I married four months ago. The problem is my 7-year-old son, who seems to be very close to him, will on occasion, do or say something in anger that shows his resentment. He will often tell him, "You are not my dad". When this happens, none of us know what to do. I get caught in the middle and will often show my own anger. My new husband is hurt and begins to doubt the decision he has made. What should I do?

What this mother is experiencing is not at all uncommon in stepfamilies. Often the stepparent or future stepparent will receive the brutal end of a child's emotional outbursts. Just as a parent feels caught in the middle with the confusion of his or her emotions, so does a child. In this case the son may be struggling with loyalty issues between his biological father and his stepfather. Confused by his feelings, he may act out in anger and say things he later regrets. Solutions for this stepfamily dynamic are not easy but following are five suggestions that may help.

First, encourage your children to stay close to their biological parent and help them develop a good relationship with that parent. This, in most cases, will not sabotage a strong relationship with the stepparent, on the other hand, it can add strength to this relationship. Parents and stepparents must communicate the strong message to their children that they need not abandon the relationship of their biological parent in order to develop a relationship with the stepparent.

Second, refrain from bad-mouthing the child's other parent. This may make you feel good, but it will only add to the child's confusion and pain. When you do speak of the other parent, say positive things. Not saying bad things isn't enough. Regularly speaking of the other parent gives the child safety in believing the stepparent will not separate them from their biological parent. (cont. on page 3)

Next, if at all possible, co-parent the child with the ex-spouse and make sure that the child knows that both of you are making the decisions for his or her future. If parents can present a unified front, children feel more secure and become more able to develop the strong relationship with the stepparent.

Fourth, children, as well as parents. often need to work out issues on their own. In the case above, most parents will want to fix the problem for their child and their new spouse. Feeling helpless with few solid answers, the parent will begin to experience frustration often leading to anger. Parents in a stepfamily need to learn the virtue of patience, allowing the other players to handle many of their own issues. This is an integral part of the development of a blended family.

Next, stay calm . . . Stay calm . . . Stay calm. Children have a way of jerking our strings or saying things for impact. If this happens, understand that the comments are often signals for deeper issues. Most of the time, the children do not have words to express these losses and or pain. So . . . it is up to the parent to help the child identify what this pain or loss is. To do this, the parent must allow the child safety with their feelings. Learn the ability to acknowledge the child's feelings. The worst thing a parent can do is invalidate those feelings.

Statements such as, "You are not my dad," may be said as a test. After divorce, children often feel issues of abandonment and need to know the stability of future relationships. "Just how committed are you?" he may be asking. "I am not your biological child so will you accept me or walk out on me?" When statements like this come, allow your partner to take his own deep breath and reply, "you're right, I'm not your father, I'm not trying to be your father but I do care about you and would love nothing more than to develop a great relationship with you."

Third, children, as well as parents. often need to work out issues on their own. In the case above, most parents want to fix the problem for their child and their new spouse. Feeling helpless with few solid answers, the parent will begin to experience frustration often leading to anger. Parents in a stepfamily need to learn the virtue of patience, allowing the other players to handle many of their own issues. This is an integral part of the development of a blended family.

Statements such as, "You are not my dad," may be said as a test. After divorce, children often feel issues of abandonment and need to know the stability of future relationships. "Just how committed are you?" he may be asking. "I am not your biological child so will you accept me or walk out on me?" When statements like this come, allow your partner to take his own deep breath and reply, "you're right, I'm not your father, I'm not trying to be your father but I do care about you and would love nothing more than to develop a great relationship with you."

MEND Workshops offers help and hope to couples as they address each of these inherent issues. To learn more about these topics and how stepfamilies can grow into wholeness through their relationships, order the following products:

Building a Successful Stepfamily Home Couples Workbook
Insiders and Outsiders in the Home (Audio Tape)
My Spouse loves their children more than me (Audio Tape)
This Marriage is not what I signed up for (Audio Tape)
Dealing with the Children's pain (Audio Tape)
Building a Safe Zone in the Marriage (Audio Tape)
MEND the Relationship Through Mastering Conflict Resolution (Includes Couples Workbook, and 5 Audio Tapes)
Finding the Love You Were Meant to Have (Includes Workbook, 5 Audio Tapes, and Relationship Self-Inventory)
What has been happening in my Past Relationships (Audio Tape)
Past Wounds that Affect my Relationships (Audio Tape)
Non-negotiable Relational Needs (Audio Tape)
Creating a Safe Zone for Sharing Feelings (Audio Tape)
The Must of a Clean Slate (Audio Tape)
He Restoreth My Soul (Audio Tape)

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