Mend Workshops - Resource for stepfamilies, single parents, marriages in conflict

"Marriage Conflict"

Terrill Williams

Surviving conflict issues can be very difficult. Identifying them can be equally as difficult. Couples will argue long and hard over minor items when in fact the real issues lie much deeper. MEND Workshops addresses these issues in a unique yet profound way. During the workshops couples learn how to avoid the four-dreaded relational sharks and pass through the Wall of Conflict into the Safe Zone for sharing feelings.

David Moore in Vital Speeches of the Day tells a story of two men who lived in a small village. They got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve . . .so, they decided to talk to the town sage. The first man went to the sage's home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You're absolutely right." The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You're absolutely right." Afterward, the sage's wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That's impossible -- they can't both be absolutely right." The sage turned to his wife and said, "You're absolutely right."

This story illustrates the difficulty couples have when dealing with conflict. Some relationship experts say there is no such thing as true conflict resolution only conflict management. Others use the term conflict dissolve rather than conflict resolve. This too means that true resolution is complex at best and rarely happens when two people approach an issue waving their strong beliefs and their histories that are so often attached to those beliefs.

Conflict is bound to come into every home. Most people view conflict as the enemy - as a monster that must be avoided at all costs. However, if families can learn to resolve conflict rather than hide from it, then they find that conflict was never the monster they supposed. Instead, they can see that the painful issues they faced were really an avenue that led to maturity for the family - health and added strength for the family.

The problem is that most couples who are struggling in their marriages or people entering second or third marriages have poor Conflict Resolution skills. If, in their past relationships, they had been any good at resolving conflict then those marriages might still be in tact. In order for any family to build their dream home, couples must learn how to constructively handle the conflicts they face.

When families fight, most often they are not attempting to resolve the issues. What they are attempting to do is to win the fight. This is the fatal flaw. So often a family argument will produce two of the greatest attorneys in the land. One will become the Prosecuting Attorney and the other the Defense Attorney. Each will present clear evidence to support their side, charging one another, even demeaning one another - all in the interest of winning the case.

So often a disagreement will produce two of the greatest attorneys in the land. One will become the Prosecuting Attorney and the other the Defense Attorney. Each will present clear evidence to one another in order to win the case. They will charge one another even demean one another - all in the interest of winning. I have witnessed this in my own marriage. There have been times we might as well have been saying to one another, "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, before this case is over, you will find the defendant guilty, beyond a reasonable doubt, of being a moron in how they are attempting to raise their children. I will present clear evidence in the form of Exhibit "A" through "Z" showing you why the defendant has no right to win this case - no right, in fact, to even be called a descent parent."

After the Prosecution is done presenting their case, the Defense Attorney stands armed with his own evidence, his own arsenal of weapons, in order to win, sometimes, at all costs. When the dust settles and the jury's verdict reaches the ears of both Prosecuting Attorney and Defense Attorney, they hear these words, "We the Jury, find you both guilty! Both of you have lost because you have resolved nothing! Instead you have hurt each other and treated each other as no one should have been treated"

This fatal flaw will, by itself, push emotional intimacy out the door, erode the family dream, and can cause the family to self-destruct. Unless couples can begin to change their pattern from wanting to win the conflict to working at resolving the conflict, their outcomes will be no different than than they have always been.

Surviving conflict issues can be very difficult. Identifying them can be equally as difficult. Couples will argue long and hard over minor items when in fact the real issues lie much deeper. MEND Workshops addresses these issues in a unique yet profound way. Through books and tapes, counseling, consultations, and through classes and workshops held across the country, MEND helps couples identify specific conflict resolution skills and then offers the encouragement and hope for families to grow.

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