Mend Workshops - Resource for stepfamilies, single parents, marriages in conflict

"Facilitating Effective Conflict Resolution"

Terrill Williams

David Moore in Vital Speeches of the Day tells a story of two men who lived in a small village. They got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve...so, they decided to talk to the town sage. The first man went to the sage's home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You're absolutely right." The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You're absolutely right." Afterward, the sage's wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That's impossible -- they can't both be absolutely right." The sage turned to his wife and said, "You're absolutely right."

This story illustrates the difficulty couples have when dealing with conflict. Some relationship experts say there is no such thing as true conflict resolution only conflict management. Others use the term conflict dissolve rather than conflict resolve. This too means that true resolution is complex at best and rarely happens when two people approach an issue waving their strong beliefs and histories attached to those beliefs.

In the scripture lesson, Paul feels the need to intervene in a conflict between two people. What can be learned from his approach? What can stepfamilies learn from his approach?

Scripture and Questions

Philippians

1 Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord.

Question: If Euodia and Syntyche's conflict was over such things as how to discipline children, how one person was injured by the another person, or over what food items should be served at the next fellowship supper, what does "agree with each other in the Lord" mean? Although this may not solve the conflict, how might it help dissolve the conflict?

3 Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

Question: Paul believed that resolving conflict was so important that he solicited outside help when he deemed it to be necessary. Why is this concept so vital to stepfamily couples when they run into a conflict impasse?

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Question: Can rejoicing in the Lord help during conflict? In what way? How practical is this idea?

5 Let your gentleness be evident to all.

Question: Unfair fighting is not unusual among couples in the heat of a disagreement. Most all of us have personal testimonials to this fact, however, have you ever had a personal experience with maintaining a gentle spirit during a conflict? What was the result?

5 The Lord is near.

Question: In W. Phillip Keller's book A Shepherd looks at Psalm 23 he writes, "In every animal society there is established an order of dominance or status within the group. Among sheep we speak of the butting order."

"Generally an arrogant, cunning, and domineering old ewe will be the boss . . . She maintains her position . . . by butting and driving the other ewes or lambs away from the best grazing. . . Succeeding her in precise order the other sheep all establish and maintain their exact position in the flock."

"Hundreds and hundreds of times I have watched an austere old ewe walk up to a younger one which might have been feeding contentedly. She would arch her neck, tilt her head, dilate her eyes, and approach the other with a stiff-legged gait. All of this was saying in unmistakable terms, 'Move over! Out of my way! Give ground or else!' . . . Because of this rivalry, tension, and competition . . . there is friction in the flock. The sheep cannot lie down and rest in contentment. Always they must stand up and defend their rights."

"But one point that always interested me very much was that whenever I came into view and my presence attracted their attention, the sheep quickly forgot their foolish rivalries and stopped their fighting. The shepherd's presence made all the difference in their behavior."

Paul tells the Philippians "The Lord is near". How might the revelation of this help dissolve conflict in our homes?

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Question: In the midst of unresolved conflict, couples can feel that the house is falling apart and that hope has left forever, yet Paul gives specific instructions that will help couples maintain strong faith during these troubled times. In what ways do our prayers that are also filled with thanksgiving promote faith and lead to a peace that transcends all understanding? Is it possible to be without faith and thankful about our circumstance and the same time?

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. and the God of peace will be with you.

Question: If stepfamily couples mastered this one discipline, how would conflict be affected in their home?

Back to Articles