"Finding the Love You Were Meant to Have"

Terrill Williams

Recently, a single father confessed, "I haven't been dating, but would like to date. Relationships scare me because I have a pattern of dating women who are incapable of committing to me and I always feel like I'm being rejected which just reinforces all my insecurities."

Another woman confessed, "My ex-husband and every other man whom I have been in relationship with have cheated on me. Why do I choose the same person over and over again?"

"You know," a single lady wrote, "I really want to meet someone someday but I'm tired of always meeting losers or guys that can't, won't or are unable to make a commitment. So - I've basically been hiding in my apartment for the last year because I didn't want to take the chance of getting hurt. I've read so many books and have gone to counseling on this, but I, without fail, still meet the same type of guys. Nice guys just don't like me. I am a magnet for losers. I feel like perhaps I'm a big loser too -- losers attract losers!"

Amazingly, in relationships, we seem to be drawn to people who have similar character traits. I often hear the words, "The person I am dating is just like all the others," or "the guy I am dating treats me just like my ex-husband." This phenomenon seems universal and causes many to say, as did the single lady above, "I, without fail, still meet the same type of guys."

Why does this happen? No one in his or her right mind would purposely look for such a person to date or marry. Yet the tendency is present in most all of us. Several Personal Inventory Questionnaires are available that demonstrate this. MEND Workshops uses its own Relationship Self-Inventory for single adults and married couples and the results almost always are the same.

We tend to be attracted to those people who have

similar characteristics, both positive and negative

One man responded after taking the inventory, "I am amazed! All the women I have had relationships with are both kind and warm but also possess the negative characteristics of being uncommitted and harsh! I had no idea I was doing this to myself."

Through a process of self-inventory a person can identify not only that this is happening but begin to answer the questions of why this is happening, what the destructive patterns are, what past wounds are contributing to this consistent process, and what a person can do to save themselves from themselves.

Many professionals believe that the attractions you might have for similar people are actually a design of nature to offer an opportunity for the healing of past wounds. I believe this process is actually a Divine Process planned in order to bring about the healing of past wounds or unmet needs.

"There is no way the men I have been dating are God's design for my life!" a woman recently stated, "that seems absurd!" Indeed, it does. Yet, how else can one explain this phenomena?

If we can see God's fingerprints in what is happening or if we can actually find a divine principal in all of this, then we can also find the hope so many single and married people are looking for in the messes of their relationships.

The Four Principals of this Healing Agenda

A. The Partner You Choose is Often Connected to Your Unresolved Past Wounds

Gary Brainerd, Ph.D has written in The Incredible Power of Two, "When two people fall in love, something profound is happening that goes far beyond physical attraction, desire for companionship and even similarity of values and interests...We are all unconsciously looking for a particular someone who will help us finish childhood, heal childhood wounds and regain wholeness."

According to Dr. Brainerd and a whole host of other professionals, this hidden agenda is all about healing oneself from past emotional hurts and wounds.

B. Your Past Emotional Wounds can Best be Healed in a Specific Type of Relationship

Since this Divine plan for wholeness and or healing is most often tied to wounding caretakers, and since emotional wounds can best be healed in relationships, it makes sense that these relationships would take place with a certain type of person. The Inventories previously referenced almost always show that the person you are married to or are in relationship with has comparable tendencies as your childhood caretakers (both positively and negatively). In other words, because this person has similarities to your childhood caretakers, they possess the greatest potential for the healing and/or continued wounding of any childhood wounds.

Alice Malloy, M.S.W., C.S.W in an article entitled "Explaining Imago" writes this, "Our childhood brain has memorized the positive and negative traits of our parents and then chooses the "perfect" mate. One with whom we will replicate the patterns of childhood...This is nature re-minding us that we have unfinished business to take care of."

"We can only be healed by the one who wounds us or a very reasonable facsimile," writes Dr. Brainerd.

C. Your Partner's Past Emotional Wounds Necessitate Personal Growth in Areas you are Most Deficient

The third principal of this Divine Agenda is very amazing. Since your partner also possess past wounds or unmet needs, the growth of your relationship will depend, in part, on your ability to meet these needs and to become a healer for his or her wounds. What you may find, however, is that what your partner must have for healing, you are least able to give for healing. The manifestation of your own wounds stand in the way. So, your ability to love your mate the way they need to be loved will demand that you first address the manifestation of your past wounds.

Darla and Thomas are a perfect example. As a child, both her mother and father wounded Darla through neglect, abandonment, and criticism. Because her childhood was filled with crazy making people and events, her need in her marriage is found in one huge word - PEACE! Thomas, on the other hand, was wounded by his father through neglect and unavailability. He has suffered for years by feeling like the Invisible Person. This wound has manifested itself in some very negative ways, namely through his neediness and crisis living. Unless you can begin to see God's redemption plan and His fingerprints in this relationship, it would appear that Darla and Thomas are incompatible. What she needs the most, he is least able to give.

D. As You Stretch in these Areas, Because of Love for your Partner, You Become More Healed in the Process

Thomas and Darla love each other and want their marriage to stand the test of time. Currently they are beginning to understand the dynamics facing their relationship, the wounds that trigger their adult relational needs, and the negative manifestations they have adopted from their own wounds. In doing so they are beginning to realize the necessity to stretch and grow in the areas they are most deficient.

In order for Thomas to love Darla and help her grow through her caretaker wounds, he must first address his tendency to be needy. He must also address his tendency to see minor issues as crisis issues. In doing so, both Thomas and Darla gain in their relationship. Thomas has become more whole and Darla has an opportunity to receive from Thomas what she failed to receive from her parents.

To learn more about this process and how individuals can grow into wholeness through their relationships, order the following products: